I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
