I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
