happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
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