conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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