From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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