youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I am midnight drunk by noon
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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