My sheets look like a crime scene.
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Randomize
