Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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