i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I have post one night stand depression
Randomize
