WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
no, he came in my armpit
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Randomize
