Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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