I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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