I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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