Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Randomize
