Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Randomize
