Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
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