OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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