On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Randomize
