I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
you would pick up someone in the library
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
