apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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