Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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