I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
