and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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