She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
