So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
