and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I just cut my nipple shaving
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
