If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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