Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
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