I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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