she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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