this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
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