so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
