Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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