Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Too much gin, very little bucket
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
