My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
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