can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Randomize
