I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Everyone says I win the strip club
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
