I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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