i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
