We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
