so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
