Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize