Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
