it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Floor bacon is actually really good
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
