he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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