he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Randomize
