You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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