Youre a pretentious asshole and im not sure who you think you are. Get the hell over yourself and the self righteous culture snob image because its pretty obnoxious.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
