considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
