I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
