OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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