I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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