I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Randomize
