I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Everclear isn't food dammit
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Randomize
