Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
