Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
then he tried to convert me to islam
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
We're too hungover to prance.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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